Previously on RuPaul’s Drag Race: the trainwreck baby queen was sent home in a sacrificial offering to the drag gods. With the field cleared, blood will flow as a new virgin is presented at the alter of NYX cosmetics. Oh please, who am I kidding? Not a ONE of these girls is even close to being a virgin. Or a girl.
As they walk into the workroom, Shangela has left a message for the queens in lipstick on a mirror. Isn’t that a little Fatal Attraction? Has she also left a rabbit simmering on the stove for their dinner. Oh, please, who am I kidding? Not a ONE of these girls would eat rabbit stew. Okay, maybe Mystique, but I”m guessing there’s not much she wouldn’t eat.
So there’s some “she-mail,” but it’s mostly all “You Go Girl, etc” so I will not be recapping it. Ru walks into the workroom, and says something about streetwalking and turning a lady into a tramp. Huh? Oh, this is clearly product placement for Ru’s super model barbie-type dolls. They have to turn them into streetwalkers.
Ut oh, another son alert. After Tyra’s disclosure that she’s got a kid, Nicole Paige Brooks is now missing her son because they play every day. What’s up with all these drag queens with sons? I’m lucky if I can even keep my plants growing, much less a son.
There is spray painting of plastic boots, arguments about purses matching shoes, etc. Ten minutes left and the glitter is flying, Hot glue guns, rhinestones, teasing of hair. This is very much like a craft segment on Martha.
Tyra Sanchez - Photo Credit: Mathu Andersen
They present their dolls. Pandora Boxx and Sahara Davenport win for their wonderful interpretation of an upstate prostitute, “Shafreeforal.” She’s missing one shoe, but still has the heel! Ha. Wait, do they actually win anything? Hmm
So this week’s main challenge is inspired by RuPaul’s feature length movie, Starrbooty. Is this entire show just product placement for the line of Ru products? At least Tyra Banks let’s Cover Girl in on the action some time!
They’re being split into teams to compete as burlesque troops. Pandora and Sahara get to be team captains. They select teams. Can we guess who will be picked last? Ooo, it’s not Mystique, it’s Nicole. Raven interviews that this is a sexy contest, and Nicole isn’t sexy. Iced!
Tyra is pissed that Pandora didn’t choose her, and proceeds to take it out on her team. Sahara interviews that Tyra is “Satan’s Baby.” Oooo, Tyra is the new Omorosa. Only much gayer. Also, “Satan’s Baby” could be a bang-up Christmas song for the pagans.
The group gets pole dancing lessons, made possibly by Platinum Stages. Yipes, the poles and stages are part of a sponsorship? That’s bizarre. When you want the best stainless steel rod to catch your coochie juice, always go with Platinum Stages! Just wait for that to be a prize on The Price Is Right.
Nicole Paige Brooks - Photo Credit: Mathu Andersen
Montage of the queens learning to use a pole, and Nicole’s incompetence at moderate sexiness. Her pole dancing is so awkward, I want to give her some money just to make it stop. Tyra refuses to get on the pole, and interviews that pole dancing is a bit “ho-ish.” Yes, but you’re also a drag queen, so where does this weird sense of moral superiority come from? Clearly you are not being empowered by strapping your penis back in a dress.
Fight over fabric, between the teams, more arguing from Tyra about dancing. If she doesn’t go, I’ll be shocked. I’ll also be shocked if I fall for reality show editing one more time, so give me about a half hour for a total look of surprise.
Back in the workroom, Tyra has decided to nap. Napping on a reality show is bad! See Omarosa, Apprentice Season One! RuPaul proceeds to Tim Gunn the room, and calls Sahara out on letting Tyra sleep. Oh, Ru’s going to confront Tyra!! Snap. Tyra says he’s done, and works fine with the group, and then proceeds to GO BACK TO SLEEP RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER!! Um, at least Omorosa got hit on the head by a piece of plaster before she went nuts and started calling everyone racist.
Kim Coles - Photo Credit: Rolling Blackouts
The challenge: they’re at a burlesque club, and the team that makes the most money in tips will be safe. This week’s guest judges: Kim Coles and Ditta Von Tease. Again, v. v. a-list for the Drag Race. Then again, there’s not a reality show Kim Coles won’t show up on. Didn’t she get play the Celebrity Mole for one episode? And got beat by Steven Baldwin? (I didn’t say she was a successful reality show star). Actually, I think last episode’s Kathy Griffin was also on the Celebrity Mole. Which would be my third choice of shows to appear on, (after Survivor and the Race), but first choice if Anderson Cooper came back to host.
Ooo, someone makes a jab about Tyra Banks. Of course, this leads into more drag-Tyra complaining. Apparently the teams are being sent out side to solicit money when the other team is on stage, and Tyra hates going out in daylight in drag. Then WTF are you doing on a reality drag show dear!?
They have to go and sell cherry pie gift certificates courtesy of Cafe Audrey. I just typed that, and I have no idea what it means. Essentially, it appears that the queens have to stand outside and solicit passers-by to buy baked good gift certificates. This is v. v. Celebrity Apprentice. I wonder if Joan Rivers will show up on the Drag Race? That’s great crossover potential.
Team Sahara is horrifically bad at selling cherry pie certificates. Shocking.
Team Pandora is dancing for the group of straight men, and as predicted, Nicolle is clomping around stage in a hilariously urn-sexy manner. It’s a bit of a tossup as to which team will win.
Elimination day: Emotional conversations at the mirrors as the queens prep for later. Yipes, cancer talk while applying makeup? This is def. not my scene.
They begin the runway. A quick thought, since I’m not sure that this portion of the program actually impacts anything: What’s up with Morgan’s weird little shuffle walk. It’s almost like someone having a leg seizure. I find it very not-top-model.
Sahara’s team wins immunity, and Sahara herself made the most money. She wins immunity for next week, AND a $1,500 gift certificate for sequinqueen.com. I did not make that last part up. Sequinqueen.com, for all your sparkly needs!
Dita Von Teese - Photo Credit: Rolling Blackouts
Critiques for losers: Pandora’s dress is ugly, but she earned a lot of cash. Sonique was rude on the street. Nicolle looked like old Janice Dickinson and brought in the least money. Tatianna did fantastic dancing with the guys. Raven made the second to least money-wise. Morgan has immunity and is dressed in a business suit.
Nicole and Raven are up for elimination, and have to lip synch for their lives, this week to En Vouge’s “My Lovin’,” better known as “Never Gonna Get It.” Nicole Paige Brooks kinda tanks, and gets sashayed away.
She returns to Atlanta with her skinny face and clomping demeanor. I hope her son is happy to see her.
